In Denial
by Pretty Crimson Eyes
Summary: Every relationship gets to a point where one particular - and rather "infamous" - question is asked. And this is exactly what Rei does...just out of curiousity. kaixrei (one-shot)


This was more complicated to write than I expected and I'm still not sure if this'll be the final version, but anyways... **I do not own BeyBlade!**

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In Denial

Everything was quiet. The moonlight coming through the window gave his hair an icy blue almost silvery glow. He was still panting slightly. So was the one who was now resting his head on his damp chest, drawing invisible little doodles on his stomach with a finger. He began to stroke the artist's dark long hair.

"Kai?"

"Hn."

"What are you thinking about?"

All remaining panting stopped immediately. He opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He held his breath.

What he was thinking about?

He thought about a lot of things. At times even too many.

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He thought about how strange and yet amazing it was to be able to see the landscape of the moon so clearly and still be aware of the great distance between it and the third rock. He thought about how it felt to touch the moonlight if only it was possible, how it made the surroundings look like underwater features turning the whole city into a modern high-tech Atlantis. He thought about how he of all people had deserved to be in this current situation. He thought about that day a long time ago on the frozen lake; 3 years and 217 days to be precise, but who's counting anyway? The day something changed, the day he still occasionally wished had never taken place. He thought about what would have happened then, if that had been the case. Where would he have ended up? And as what? The best? As pure power? As his grandfather? As _nothing_?! He thought about the taste of the drops of guilt still remaining in his mouth. Some days they were somehow even of embarrassment, too. He thought about forgiveness, something he hadn't quite come to understand completely yet. Perhaps he never would...? He thought about growing old. About one day waking up and realizing that your only regrets are the ones you didn't have the guts to do when the time was to it. Regret... Nothing but a waste of time. He thought about how ridiculous certain things, if not everything, had been only a few years ago; a giant snowball of idiocy rolling down a hill. How ignorant he had been. He thought about the frightening images of Tyson looking like a moron talking with his mouth full which suddenly out of nowhere popped into his head now and then, making him feel nothing but disgusted. Why and what exactly was it that always kept him from punching the glutton's lights out every time that occurred? The others? Pride? Self-control? Rei? Or perhaps just the fact that the action in itself would be too easy to perform? He thought about butterflies and hurricanes, their differences and how both could exist without leaving more damage than they already did behind them. About how the world was still alive, still breathing. He thought about a tree they'd passed in the park the other day. The sun had made the leaves dressed in the color of fall shine like an ocean of flames; yellow, orange and red united. The sight of it had given him a strange feeling of serenity, a feeling of pure bliss; something he'd only experienced in two other cases. When Dranzer appeared in its inferno and when his eyes locked with Rei's. Those eyes... He thought a lot about those eyes. Endless. Beautiful. He knew the feeling of wanting to destroy something beautiful. He hadn't succeeded in eliminating his goal of destruction at that time though. He thought about his past, consisting of nothing but empty memories. He thought about all the unanswered questions and how it made him feel helpless knowing that they would probably stay that way forever. He thought about how often he had pictured himself hanging down from the ceiling with a rope tight around his neck. Lying on a bed; lifeless in sheets covered in blood and a razor blade in his hand. He thought about Rei crying on his knees and the others leaving him to himself. He thought about how small the consequences of easy solutions actually were. Yet they were obviously significant enough to prevent him from buying a cheap ticket out of here, and didn't he always settle for nothing less than the best? He simply couldn't do that to him. Rei... His weakness and forbidden key to completion at the same time. The one who deserved all the love that could fit in the ocean. He thought about perfection. And how he'd promised himself to never let anyone know him and how it'd failed. The _real_ Kai Hiwatari was dead. He died a long time ago and _this_ was what's left of him. But no one knew of course. Or maybe they just couldn't see it? _Wouldn't _see it? He thought about how not only politics, but everything could bring out the worst in people. About how pointless and most of all brain-dead discussions of those kinds were and how it was sometimes better to just leave some topics untouched. He thought about the small poems written on different objects in different places; "in case of fire break the glass"...

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The stroking slowly began again.

Rei was starting to wonder if Kai hadn't heard his question the first time.

"Kai. What are you thinking about?"

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"Nothing."


End file.
